Clerks (1994) - #169

Empire top 301: #169
IMDb top 250: -

Rating 3/10

Director: Kevin Smith
Writers: Kevin Smith
Starring: Brian O'Halloran, Jeff Anderson, Jason Mewes, Marilyn Ghigliotti & Kevin Smith

"I'm not even supposed to be here today!"

Dante Hicks (O'Halloran) is a retail clerk working in a convenience store, called in on his day off to cover for another employee who is sick. Dante turns up at the convenience store to find the shutters can't be opened as vandals have jammed gum into the locks and his day goes from bad to worse. Along the way he manages to get a $500 fine for selling cigarettes to kids, has angry smokers attack him with cigarettes and lose his girlfriend. Along the way he is visited regularly by his friend Randal Graves (Anderson), who works in the video store next door and is completely rude to every customer he serves and who manages to add more trouble in to the mix for Dante. 

Having seen and enjoyed Mallrats, Dogma, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back and Chasing Amy I was rather looking forward to seeing Clerks. I was so disappointed!! I found maybe a total of 5 minutes of this film funny. After viewing the film I read that it had been voted on many a "most overrated movies" list and I couldn't agree more. I just found this to be a really badly acted, poorly written movie about two complete douchebags that I just wanted to punch in the balls!

The "jokes" if you could call them that were so lazy and obvious and pretty much just revolved around dicks, hermaphrodite porn, necrophilia and farts. They weren't even clever or well filmed, they were just YAWN! I was even bored by Jay and Silent Bob who I actually think are hilarious in the previously mentioned films. 

The acting was pretty awful from everyone, especially from Jeff Anderson. His mannerisms, his voice, his clothing...pretty much everything about him made me want to kick my TV in. I refuse to believe anyone in the world would be spoke to like a piece of dirt by someone like him and not kick his teeth in. Brian O'Halloran is another hideous creation! A whiny, wimpy, annoying tool that no woman would want to go near, let alone two. And Marilyn Ghigliotti just bugged the life out of me, her voice was like nails down a chalk-board. Perhaps she sucked 36 dicks because people just wanted to shut her up!

I'm sure this was voted into the top 500 because it was filmed on no budget but to me I just found it really boring. Perhaps if I was a stoner or retail clerk I would have found it more amusing.

Wouldn't watch again!

Star Wars: Episode VI - Return of The Jedi (1983) - #120

Empire top 301: #120

IMDb top 250: #78

Rating 9/10

Director: Richard Marquand

Writers: George Lucas, Lawrence Kasdan

Starring: Mark Hamill, Harrison Ford, Carrie Fisher, Anthony Daniels, Peter Mayhew, Alec Guinness, James Earl Jones, Billy Dee Williams, Frank Oz & David Prowse

"It's a trap!"

The Galactic Empire, under the direction of Emperor Palpatine, is constructing a second Death Star in order to crush the Rebel Alliance. Since Palpatine plans to personally oversee the final stages of its construction, the Rebel Fleet launches a full-scale attack on the Death Star in order to prevent its completion and kill Palpatine, effectively bringing an end to the Empire once and for all. Meanwhile, Luke Skywalker, the Rebel leader and Jedi Apprentice, struggles to bring Darth Vader back from the Dark Side of the Force.

When I was a kid Return of The Jedi was always my favourite of the original trilogy, it was just fun and exciting. Now, I'm older it's clear that this is the weakest of the three but that's not to say this is a bad movie! Return of The Jedi is still a great movie but through many viewings with my older mind I find too many faults with it and the Ewoks bringing down the Empire is a bit silly.

The Return of The Jedi starts off with the rescue of Han Solo at Jabba's Palace and these scenes are really the best part of Episode VI for me. Jabba the Hutt is a brilliant character, and prior to the re-releases where Jabba is now introduced in A New Hope the foreshadowing of the character was brilliantly done; and when we are finally introduced to him in Jedi, he blows everything you could have imagined out of the water. Jabba's Palace is also filled with other brilliantly designed creatures like the Gamorrean Guards and Bib Fortuna. In addition, to this Boba Fett can be seen lurking around in the background. Unfortunately, in the re-releases Lucas has added more, unnecessary footage of Boba Fett, including him flirting with back up singers. Just No!

In addition, to that unnecessary footage Lucas has now added a pointless and silly musical number into the Jabba's Palace scenes! I usually fast forward this scene as I actually can't stomach it! It's in Jabba's Palace that Carrie Fisher gets to don her two best looks throughout the saga, the first is her Boushh outfit where she brings Chewbacca to Jabba in order to free Solo. Her second look is probably one of the most iconic costumes in movie history!! The Metal Bikini! Carrie Fisher looks beyond HOT in this outfit and it's no surprise that countless geeks around the world were turned on by it! The best thing is, even in such a provocative get-up Leia still manages to kick ass and see off Jabba the Hutt with the chain that binds her! AWESOME

Return of The Jedi gets a bit silly in the middle with the Rebel Alliance traveling to the Moon of Endor to shut down the Death Stars shield generators. When they arrive they meet the Ewoks, which are effectively just teddy bears! Teddy bears who believe C3-P0 to be a deity. There is some great interaction with Han Solo and Threepio during this part of the story.

Jedi picks up again during the climax of the film, where three different stories take place. Luke on the Death Star attempting to lure his father Darth Vader back to the good side, where an superbly filmed lightsaber fight take place between the father and son. Then there is the battle on Endor between the Ewoks and the Empire and finally Lando Calrissian takes the Millennium Falcon through the Death Stars core to destroy the main reactor. The three stranded finally is brilliantly executed and is at times all out action with so much going on! 

There is a genuine disgusting moment at the end of the newest version of Return of The Jedi and that is the inclusion of Hayden Christensen's Anakin Skywalker popping up at the end replacing the original Anakin (Sebastian Shaw). This should never have happened. And neither should the inclusion of Darth Vader saying "NOOOOO" when he picks up Emperor Palpatine! 

However, all that aside Return of The Jedi is a great film, but it lacks the depth and magic of the first two. However, it is still an exciting watch and worthy of it's place on the Empire top 500 list. I now can't wait for Episode VII. 

Star Wars: Episode V - The Empire Strikes Back (1980) - #1

Empire top 301: #1

IMDb top 250: #12

Rating 10/10

Director: Irvin Kershner

Writers: George Lucas, Leigh Brackett, Lawrence Kasdan

Starring: Mark Hamill, Harrison Ford, Carrie Fisher, Anthony Daniels, Peter Mayhew, Alec Guinness, James Earl Jones, Billy Dee Williams, Frank Oz & David Prowse

"Why, you stuck up, half-witted, scruffy-looking Nerf herder."

The Galactic Empire, under the leadership of the evil Lord Darth Vader, is in pursuit of Luke Skywalker and the rest of the Rebel Alliance. While Vader chases Han Solo & Princess Leia Organa aboard the Millennium Falcon across the galaxy, Luke travels to the Dagobah system to learn the ways of the Force under Jedi Master Yoda. But when Vader captures Luke's friends, Luke must decide whether to complete his training and become a full Jedi Knight or to confront Vader and save his comrades.

How do you top a film as good as A New Hope...that's easy, you make The Empire Strikes Back. The best instalment of the Star Wars saga and in my opinion the greatest movie ever made. Set three years after the destruction of the Death Star, The Empire Strikes Back is straight into the action with an amazing battle sequence on the planet Hoth. This is beautifully done with some amazing special effects. The AT-AT walkers are genius and one of my favourite vehicles from the Star Wars universe. 

The writing in The Empire Strikes Back is fantastic, especially for the Han and Leia scenes. The on screen chemistry between Harrison Ford and Carrie Fisher is great, both during the arguing and romantic scenes. The story also gives the characters and cast more to do, and separating Luke from the group to begin his training on Dagobah is perfect as it allows for more character development for everyone. 

In addition, to the already great list of Star Wars characters another three where added in The Empire Strikes Back. Lando Calrissian an untrustworthy, ruthless charmer who makes a deal with the Empire to ensure his dodgy dealings will fly under the radar. Billy Dee Williams is perfectly cast as Lando, all smooth yet conniving. Yoda, the Jedi Master who taught Obi-Wan. You're expect some sort of large warrior but instead, you get a tiny green being who lives on a swamp land. But it really works! This is puppetry at it's best and Frank Oz is amazing, when you watch The Empire Strikes Back Yoda isn't a puppet, he's real! You feel everything he says, this puppet has emotion and he is better here and in Jedi than his CGI form in the prequels. 

Finally, there is the coolest  guy in the galaxy, Bounty Hunter Boba Fett. Boba Fett has the best Star Wars costume, hands down, he has a jet-pack and the design of the helmet is just AWESOME! In addition, he has the second best ship, after the Millennium Falcon. Slave I is a beautiful design! Boba Fett isn't afraid to stand up to Darth Vader and is just a general bad ass! Unfortunately, in the re-releases Lucas decided to change Boba's original voice - provided by Jason Wingreen - to that of Temuera Morrison who portrayed Jango Fett in Attack of The Clones and this was a silly idea. It just doesn't sound right! 

The beauty of The Empire Strikes Back is it's gut punching finale. First Han is frozen in carbonite and given to Boba Fett leaving his fate unknown. That's not before delivering one of the greatest movie moments ever with just two words "I know". Brilliant! Then we get one of the greatest movie twists ever with the reveal that Darth Vader is Luke's father. There's no happy ending here!

Mark Hamill really delivers in The Empire Strikes Back, he is much improved from A New Hope and his performance is nothing short of amazing, considering for most of it he was acting to a puppet or a tin can (R2-D2). Harrison and Carrie are both equally fantastic in Episode V from their opening scenes on Hoth right through to their final moments together at Cloud City. They're arguing scenes are so well written and funny and played brilliantly, you can feel the sexual tension. I often wonder if it boiled over away from the camera's! I think it probably did. 

It's here in The Empire Strikes Back that I also really fell in love with C3-P0. When I was a kid I always found him to be rather annoying, but now I absolutely love him and genuinely believe the films wouldn't be what they are without that character. He's the comic relief that's needed when the rest of the story is so dark. 

The Empire Strikes Back is my number one favourite movie of all time! Love, Love, Love It!!

Star Wars: Episode IV - A New Hope (1977) - #6

Empire top 301: #6
IMDb top 250: #18

Rating 10/10

Director: George Lucas
Writers: George Lucas
Starring: Mark Hamill, Harrison Ford, Carrie Fisher, Anthony Daniels, Peter Mayhew, Alec Guinness, James Earl Jones, Peter Cushing & David Prowse

"May the force be with you!"

A a group of freedom fighters known as the Rebel Alliance plot to destroy the powerful Death Star space station, a devastating weapon created by the evil Galactic Empire. This conflict disrupts the isolated life of farmboy Luke Skywalker (Hamill) when he inadvertently acquires the droids carrying the stolen plans to the Death Star. After the Empire begins a cruel and destructive search for the droids, Skywalker decides to accompany Jedi Master Obi-Wan Kenobi (Guinness) on a daring mission to rescue the owner of the droids, rebel leader Princess Leia (Fisher), and save the galaxy.

After the disappointment of watching Episodes 1 - 3 it's easy to forget that George Lucas created this amazing movie. Here he has created one of the greatest movies ever, filled with some of the silver screens greatest characters. Having been born in the 80's I can't even begin to imagine what it was like for kids in 1977 to see this movie on the big screen, when there was nothing else out quite like it. The enormity of it and the sound must have been something else! I have seen this film at the cinema but it was the re-release where Mr Lucas decided to include some really unnecessary extras.......That scene with Jabba!! Just no! 

However, I don't want to focus on those silly re-releases. A New Hope, to me, still looks as amazing today and still holds my attention as it did when I was a kid. I must have seen this movie thousands of times but I'm still completely transfixed when I watch it. From the opening moments of that Starship flying over the top of the camera pursuing Princess Leia's ship Tantive IV to the closing battle in the trenches of the Death Star, A New Hope is a superb piece of filmmaking. The fact a lot of the techniques and effects where created whilst filming just makes it even more spectacular.

Adding to the beautiful things you are seeing on screen is John Williams unforgettable, iconic score. You hear the sound of the 20th Century Fox music then up comes the opening title card "A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away..." and then it strikes in...BOOM!! George Lucas said in his AFI acceptance speech that Star Wars wouldn't be Star Wars had it not been for John Williams beautiful score, and I think he's right.

It's a well known story that Harrison Ford famously said to George Lucas of his script "you can type this shit, but you can't say it" but he's so wrong. The cast are all amazing and deliver the silly lines so well you don't even care they're using words that don't exist. The cast are so believable in their roles. It's Harrison Ford who runs away with this movie and it's no surprise that when kids came out from seeing the film they wanted to be Solo and not Skywalker. He's just so effortlessly cool, charming, funny and he has the greatest sidekick ever in Chewbacca! Not to mention his costume is AWESOME!

Now Chewbacca is a great character, he's loyal and brave and instantly loveable. Something I think Lucas tried to recreate with Jar Jar Binks but failed miserably. Hamill is great as Skywalker and I love his scenes with Guinness, throughout the original trilogy. It's known that Guinness hated working on Star Wars and found the dialogue ridiculous and he only really did it for the money, even if that's the case he still shows why he was such a good actor as he plays Obi-Wan seriously and brilliantly. He made a lot of money from the film and received an Academy Award nomination for his performance so not all bad. 

For me though, there is one character that blows them all out of the water. A character I have loved since the first time I saw them, and one I can't wait to see reprised in Episode VII. A vision in white with a now iconic hairstyle....Princess Leia. It would have been very easy to have Princess Leia as just a damsel in distress but Lucas wrote Leia as much more than that, and Carrie Fisher played her better than what was written on the pages. Leia goes head to head with the baddest guy in the galaxy without any fear and refusing to give up the location of the Rebel Alliance, she's capable of looking after herself and more than adept at using a blaster! To me Leia is one of cinema's greatest female creations! 

Prior to it's release Star Wars was seen as a 'little' movie and a bit of a joke, by the movie industry and even the cast and crew. How wrong where they! It's now rightfully become one of the most beloved movies in history and with more new Star Wars movies on the way it will pass on to future generations who will fall in love with the Star Wars universe!  

In my personal Top Ten this is my third favourite movie of all time! And the Stormtrooper costume is still one of my favourites ever!

Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of The Sith (2005) - #224

Empire top 301: #224
IMDb top 250: -

Rating 6/10

Director: George Lucas

Writers: George Lucas

Starring: Ewan McGregor, Natalie Portman, Hayden Christensen, Ian McDiarmid, Anthony Daniels, Christopher Lee, Samuel L. Jackson, James Earl Jones & Frank Oz

"Once more, the Sith will rule the galaxy! And... we shall have peace."

The Jedi Knights are spread out across the galaxy leading a massive clone army in the war against the Separatists. The Jedi Council dispatches Jedi Master Obi-Wan Kenobi to eliminate the evil General Grievous, leader of the Separatist Army. Meanwhile, Jedi Knight Anakin Skywalker, separated from Kenobi, his former master, grows close to Palpatine, the Chancellor of the Galactic Republic and, unknown to the Jedi, a Sith Lord. Their deepening friendship proves dangerous for the Jedi Order, the Republic, and Anakin himself who inevitably succumbs to the dark side of the Force and becomes Darth Vader, changing the fate of the galaxy forever.

Set three years after the dreadful Attack of The Clones, George Lucas continues to destroy the legacy of Star Wars. Before Episodes 1 - 3 where made I dreamed of Lucas making the prequels and episodes 7 - 9 and finishing his story. Now, having seen Episodes 1 - 3 I wish he hadn't of bothered. Episode 2 didn't make the top 500 and I'm not surprised because it really is the worst of the Star Wars films. Revenge of The Sith is a step up from the previous two but it's still pretty bad. 

Lucas continues to write possibly the worst dialogue ever, perhaps he should have hired Carrie Fisher as a script doctor. Chances are she'd have shredded the script completely and told him to start again! That would have been the best thing to do. Again, more focus is given to the special effects and costumes and again the film suffers for it. Did they film any of the picture on location or on an actual set? To me it just all looks CGI with only the actors and the odd chair here and there as real things! The first films still look amazing today as they where filmed on real sets, real locations and the characters where made using great puppets and make up! The space ships were filmed using miniatures, however they looked real and huge! It was clever filmmaking. The worlds and characters here just look silly and cartoonish. 

With this film Lucas had the opportunity to tell an amazing story about the birth of one of cinema's greatest villains, instead he chooses to show Vader as a sulking brat who wants to save his one true love but the Jedi won't let him...boo hoo! He writes the evil dark lord as a pre-hormonal teenager! Then he defies belief by having Padme pop her clogs immediately after giving birth to Luke and Leia - whom she manages to name - because as the ridiculous medical droid puts it "she has lost the will to live". WHAT?? The silly cow has just had two kids, but she can't be bothered to live anymore because her husband has gone over to the dark side! How on earth would sulky Anakin and weak Padme ever create two children as brave and awesome as Luke and Leia? Lucas should hang his head in shame! 

This silliness also ruins the scene in Return of The Jedi where Leia tells Luke she remembers images and feelings of her real mother and how sad she was, erm how is this possible when Padme died on the operating table immediately after giving birth to her! Did Lucas not see Return of The Jedi? Also, at what point does Anakin give Obi-Wan a lightsaber to give to his son when he is old enough to have it. Anakin didn't even tell Obi-Wan that Padme was pregnant with his child. This is just simple stuff that should have been addressed properly! 

As with the previous two movies there are some rather cool moments that save it from being a complete dud, like the final scene of Vader and the Emperor overlooking the creation of the Death Star from the battleship with a young Grand Moff Tarkin. The birth of Vader is really cool; that moment when the helmet goes on and the music fades, then that sound of Darth Vader's respirator....chills. Unfortunately, this is then ruined by that awful "NOOOOOOOOO" moment. Why Lucas, just why?

There's a really cool easter egg of the Millennium Falcon docking at a landing bay in Naboo. Yoda kicks ass and seeing him fight with a lightsaber is always great to watch. There is a great scene - which was criminally cut from the final film - of Yoda arriving on the Dagobah system. It's a great nod to the original trilogy and should have made the cut! (See below). 

Hayden Christensen continues were Jake Lloyd left off and delivers an equally annoying and awful performance, so at least there's consistency here! Natalie Portman, again is pretty shocking and at times I don't even think she is taking it seriously, it's like "she has lost the will to act". Ewan does as best he can with terrible lines like "It's over Anakin, I have the high ground"...that reminds me, didn't Darth Maul have the high ground in The Phantom Menace, but Obi-Wan managed to off him pretty easily. Samuel L. Jackson floats from bad to good to bad again throughout the movie and Ian McDiarmid manages to turn Palpatine into a pantomime villain. It's Razzie's all round as far as I'm concerned. R2-D2 provides the acting chops here. 

However, despite my slagging off of the movie it's much better than Episodes 1 & 2 and does provide some entertainment. I think my anger of the prequels stems from my love of the originals and how I believe these movies could have been so much better. If J.J Abrams wants to know how to make episodes 7 - 9 great he needs to watch the prequels and do the exact opposite of what he sees on screen. They're already on the right path by not letting Lucas write it!!